Total Eclipse of the Heart [CBS]

“But now I’m only falling apart…”

“Once upon a time I was falling in love,
but now I’m only falling apart…”

Total Eclipse Of The Heart – Bonnie Tyler

I woke up with this song in my head. This is explains my attitude, feelings of sex right now in my life.

This led me to think about another song: What Does Sex Mean To Me? by Human Sexual Response.

So, what does sex mean to me? Sex to me meant acceptance of me, which in turn means love. I admit, at first I also confused sex with love, but in truth and reality, it meant acceptance. The reason: I am obese and – in my mind – unpleasing, undesirable, unworthy of being desired for such an intimate act with another human being.

When I review my life, I had four males that I felt loved me: Johnny, Sam, Eddie, Charlie. And when am rigorously honest with the knowledge I have today: Johnny used me to make his boyfriend jealous; Sam took advantage of my naivete and slept around with other males; Eddie left me, welching on a promise of us living together in Hawai’i; Charlie was the only one that truly loved me – with total acceptance, as a chubby chaser and as best he could considering his addiction. So one out of four.

All the prostitutes that I used while high also fall into this group, but most are nameless, faceless memories. When I did not find love, I manipulated it through prostitutes, which was only a temporary fix.

Now…

I am homeless, on social security, impotent from diabetes (?), and at least two sexually transmitted diseases; in essence: falling apart. The only love I have today is Mojo, my pet dog. I am going on eleven years without human contact – minus two episodes last year. I have looked at sexual addiction and I think I qualify, which makes lack of contact more painful.

Wow! Just read the lyrics for the song, Total Eclipse Of The Heart and it is more accurate regarding my thoughts/feelings than I thought.