The Velvet Rage: Introduction

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When you look around it becomes somewhat undeniable that we are a wounded lot. Somehow, the life we are living isn’t leading us to a better, more fulfilled psychological and emotional place. Instead, we seem to struggle more, suffer more and want more. The gay life isn’t cutting it for most of us.

Tru’dat! Though the only thing I have wanted in life is a companion. That’s it! I can certainly related to the suffering: as a result of addiction, which the author mentions on the previous page and how there is a high clientele that is gay; being HIV+, obese, and apparently ugly.

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Three-Stage Model

Stage 1: Overwhelmed by Shame: “in the closet.”
Stage 2: Compensating for Shame: Gay man’s attempt to neutralize his shame by being more successful, outrageous, fabulous, beautiful, or masculine.
Stage 3: Cultivating Authenticity: building a life based upon one’s own passions and values

I think I am at Stage 3. I have already had some eye-opening moments where I realized how I was “shaped” to be who I am/was. It makes me sick because I have become the opposite of who I really am.

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He goes on to say who wonderful his life is after accepting himself.

Cynicism and skepticism rising.

Grump

“What if your pain could be erased?”

QuoteI don’t want my pain erased. As wretched as it is, I need my pain; it makes me who I am; it makes me Grumpy.”

~ Once Upon A Time
Season 1; Episode 9: 7:15 A.M.

The ironic thing is that I presume most people misinterpret this attitude as disagreeable, which I guess could be viewed as such by others. I suppose I want to defend Grumpy’s statement because I can identify with it.

Growing up in a non-demonstrative [of love, feeling – in my opinion, of course], love was best displayed that if you were lucky enough to be the focus of ribbing/teasing, you were loved. I testify that constant teasing can make one grumpy, especially, when that same person has been spoiled and is facing the reality of life, being on the short end of the stick.

When I think about it further, teasing continued throughout my childhood: Fat, Gay – and I didn’t even know what gay was yet. As I enter the final stage of life (beginning, middle, end – my heart is softening my life resentments and I realize how bullying can affect one’s life, though the evil side of me still has a problem with being a big enough to be bullied that far. I am the biggest sissy around, yet I am still here – mentally and physically.

THEN AGAIN…knowing that there is a cost for magic, I would have to nail down all the particulars before agreeing to it. Actually, on the face of it, NO, I would not want my pain erased; I’m too afraid of the consequences. And with my record of having lived a Charlie Brown existence, I can’t afford to take the chances.