- the state of being obsessed with someone or something.
- an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person’s mind.
As I sit here at my desk, crocheting a onesie for my future grand nephew, I am realizing how fucking lonely I am: I am crocheting through my pain. My thoughts keep going back to companionship (sexual, intimate). My mind keeps telling me to make another personal ad, but then I start thinking of all the negative aspects about myself that will keep males from responding: HIV+, herpes, obesity, impotence, etc.
I also think: you have 500 mg of marijuana edible; drop that with two bananas and enjoy the day. Sounds good to me! I love altered states, especially marijuana states because it makes me mellow. However, it also makes me crave male companionship even more.
I realize that I am constantly focus on sex. When I meet people and I am attracted to them, I immediately wonder what he looks like naked, how good he would be, now nasty, how dominant, how submissive, how passionate, etc. Because of this, I don’t know how to relate; it might be a different story if I was pleasantly attractive to others, but we’ll never know, so let’s not go there.
I think about calling my only friend, my cousin, to see what she is doing since I know I have received my SSI deposit, but then my logical brain says to pay my bills first.
My Truth: I need to get back to my crochet; at least I am being productive. Might as well get high also; make a boring, eventless, routine day more pleasant. Besides, I already have laundry in the washing machine.
Searching for the feature image for this post, the one I chose made me feel better, despite lack of understanding. I am a creator and I suppose I can become obsessed with pattern testing, development, etc, but that is good; my sexual obsession is not and I do things that I am not comfortable with, but anything to achieve my end goal: intimate companionship.