My Shame

This is my secret shame for 54 years…No Penis!

My Penis

Apparently, due to obesity, which has been my companion for 54 years. Seriously, it looks like a vagina with testicles! Doesn’t matter much cause I can barely reach it to pleasure even myself, as much as anyone else. So no matter what I am male? Female? Hermaphrodite? it doesn’t even matter now.

Because of this non-existent penis, I have always been ashamed of my own body, preferring to have sex only in the dark, remaining clothed while I serviced other men/boys. And to make matters worse, I can’t even get an erection anymore – due to diabetes? High blood pressure? Low blood pressure? Weight? I am trying to find out now through my doctor(s).

So more history on how I got so fucked up in the head…

As a school youth, I avoided showering after gym to avoid unnecessary ridicule; I was already being called “gay” and “faggot.” When I started having sex, it was mostly anonymous as a result of being high/drunk – on the beach, cruising; guys I picked up in the bar for one night stands, etc. – so there was not much concern back then, plus I had the advantage of once being aroused, able to get an erection. The detriment I carried forward was the anonymity and the addiction.

I was fortunate once, to encounter Charlie, who taught me there were people that enjoyed big guys and taught me to appreciate and probably even love myself for a short time. Once Charlie and I separated, I returned to what I knew, two-fold.

Today, unable to get an erection, I can’t even act out sexually, when the pressure gets too much, as it must involve drugs. I know because I tried at great risk to myself. I hired a prostitute, who supplied crystal meth and GHB. While he went out to secure a second guy, I was on the phone with a fourth guy. Guy four came while guy two was gone, but I could not go through with it. WTF!? Guy two returned solo, which was probably best, but still the night cost me about $500 and I still was unsatisfied.

I am honest and open about my thoughts and actions with my psychologist and psychiatrist, who have taught me one thing that has really rocked my world. When I introduced the idea that I feel female/male it was suggested that my male persona/half allowed my female persona/half to be abused sexually…Hunger/Fury. Even during my last escapade, I was oblivious to what I was doing and feel that it was grace that prevented me from going further.

Once I get the erection thing solved, I plan on advertising my fat old self to chasers who will appreciate a big guy.

Felix The Cat

Because I got high…

“I don’t care! I love it!” [Icona Pop]

I just got home from banking and grocery shopping and, well, um…

…anyway the story goes like this…

I am working on this scarf, which is part of my houndstooth stitch pattern development, and it reminds me of Felix’s Bag of Tricks pattern.

While watching an episode of Felix, I was overcome with acute nostalgia for my childhood days and just now realized my passion with color began with cartoons. And all this has bloomed into a love of music, art – what I call “Ability to Realize Talent.”

I am grateful today that I can see the beauty in life!

I think way too much importance is put on money and power.

Before I get sidetracked, I must get to the meager work I have, that only forces me deeper into debt. I am a blessing blocker.

I will get through with his help.

He has not abandoned me yet.

Ciao bello!

The truth is that my last words to the person for whom I am performing a task were a question: “Can I start this tomorrow?” She replied: “Sure…”

And then my current boyfriend [an illegal] started making noises outside, indicating he wanted to re-enter. Upon which, he began his coy moves, but I was not having it. He inched closer and I finally gave in and reached further to pick his ass up.

Now he was mine!

So we cuddled for a minute and I decided to take a few snapshots…

Sh! Don’t tell Trump. He’ll have ICE over here in a minute.

A Peanut Is Not A Nut

While “nut” is in their name, peanuts are in fact legumes.

Peanuts grow underground, as opposed to other nuts – walnuts, almonds, etc. – that grow on trees (and are sometimes referred to as “tree nuts”).

My first guess was that they might be a fruit; learned something new today.