still rearranging

54 years old, overweight; feel old

woke this morning promptly. watched my normal, scheduled television. faced the fact that I must move my bed from in front of the curtains to the corner. started – after a bowl of gingerbread spice oatmeal; mojo got to lick the bowl – by moving miscellany…removing debris outside…updating computer…taking pictures of hibiscus outside…moving the dresser…vacuuming.

click an image for enlargement / slide show…

during some breaks my mind started thinking of writing a letter to my sister, letting her know exactly how I feel about her. WTF!? though…it does sound like a good idea…for what it’s worth.

click an image for enlargement / slide show…

now what? I have to decide how to arrange everything else in a much bigger space. pretty tired at this point also; just don’t have the energy anymore.

think i got it…desk goes behind couch, facing television. i think i need to call spectrum for rewiring…that should do it 😉

The Velvet Rage: Introduction

Page 2

When you look around it becomes somewhat undeniable that we are a wounded lot. Somehow, the life we are living isn’t leading us to a better, more fulfilled psychological and emotional place. Instead, we seem to struggle more, suffer more and want more. The gay life isn’t cutting it for most of us.

Tru’dat! Though the only thing I have wanted in life is a companion. That’s it! I can certainly related to the suffering: as a result of addiction, which the author mentions on the previous page and how there is a high clientele that is gay; being HIV+, obese, and apparently ugly.

 Page 4

Three-Stage Model

Stage 1: Overwhelmed by Shame: “in the closet.”
Stage 2: Compensating for Shame: Gay man’s attempt to neutralize his shame by being more successful, outrageous, fabulous, beautiful, or masculine.
Stage 3: Cultivating Authenticity: building a life based upon one’s own passions and values

I think I am at Stage 3. I have already had some eye-opening moments where I realized how I was “shaped” to be who I am/was. It makes me sick because I have become the opposite of who I really am.

Page 5

He goes on to say who wonderful his life is after accepting himself.

Cynicism and skepticism rising.



As I began to compose, the lyric “mine eyes have seen the glory…,” the Battle Hymn of the Republic.

The song links the judgment of the wicked at the end of the age (Old Testament, Isaiah 63; New Testament, Rev. 19) with the American Civil War. Since that time, it has become an extremely popular and well-known American patriotic song.[Wikipedia]

My Wicked: U.S. Government, The One Percent, Capitalism
My Prediction: As people’s eyes are opened – no matter how long it takes – how little the actually matter, they will rebel with cries of injustice…oh, wait! They already are.

This past Sunday 60 Minutes: The Whistleblower was an eye-opener! And became my battle cry to finally get Dianne Feinstein out of office, finally. The way 60 MInutes portrayed the senate floor’s reaction on television shows just how dismissive I believe politicians are and make me feel as a citizen, hence difficulty in letting go of my hate.

Since then – two fucking days, 2 tweets to 60 minutes, 2 tweets to l a times writers – I have been trying to find out the name of the bill/law, so I could confirm Dianne Feinstein’s vote, when I came across this:

The bill Marino sponsored — Ensuring Patient Access and Effective Drug Enforcement Act — sailed through Congress with unanimous support and was signed by President Obama in 2016. The legislation makes it harder for the DEA to suspend drug companies from fulfilling suspiciously large shipments of opioids, according to a report from The Washington Post and CBS News’ “60 Minutes.”[ABC News]

I should have known it would be my favorite news channel. I also came across this:

Did President Obama know bill would strip DEA of power? [Washington Post]

Never considered that.


In my universe it is considered the height of irresponsibility to sign anything without knowing what one was signing! Either that, or the signer just didn’t care; like my supposed “government representatives:” Senators Dianne Feinstein and Kamala Harris; Representatives Maxine Waters and Karen Bass; and President: Barack Obama.

I must acknowledge my psychologist for his suggestion that I investigate a creative outlet for my hate. In addition to pot, which makes me mellow, I think I have found it and unleash my first in a series of Wickedness:


ANTI-FEINSTEIN by CulverCityLeo image courtesy wired.com

I was short one color…not bad. I’ll get it down to eight. I feel more relaxed after my cousin and our mutual friend, Sylvia brought me some McDonald’s and I ate some brownie, and I vented through creativity and oh, I fired my psychiatrist. He was pretty blunt today saying he is about medication and if I am choosing not to take it there is not much more he can do. I am like, “Great, are we done here?”

Sobbing, But Not Crying

Earlier in the day dad had asked to ask a question of me without a sarcastic response.

“Why do I sprinkle the salt from so high when cooking my food?”

He has asked me this before and I always felt like he was antagonizing me. Without thinking about the question at length, I answered him as seriously as I could, “I don’t know.”

While sitting here knitting, I pondered his question and finally realized why I do sprinkle the salt from so high: because there are two shakers – I am completely unaware of which is which – one sprinkles fast, one slow and I can’t fucking see.

Serious Truth: I sprinkle salt from high so I can see the sprinkles in the light and know how much salt is going into my food.

I just went over to my parents house to cook some Ramen Noodles (5 for $.99) for lunch. I approached my dad and said: “The reason I keep giving you a sarcastic response is because you keep asking me a sarcastic question – seriously, in what world does sprinkle height correlate to taste? Before I could continue with the discovered truth to his question, he interrupted me with his normal tirade about cleaning up after one’s self after cooking. I replied that when “everyone else – specifically, my fat-assed, active-addict – started cleaning up after themselves, I might be even more detailed. I kept the rest inside.

Now between you and me, I clean every time after I cook. Sometimes, by the time I get back to my garage, to eat with Mojo, the food is cold. Sometimes, I clean the microwave. Sometimes I clean the sink. Sometimes, I clean the stove. In my head, I feel like my dad is being unreasonable. I know he is right, and I would have explained that to him if he had not interrupted. I will pay more attention, but he could’ve been nicer about how he was communicating that to me.

Adding fuel to his inner fury is my brother – back from more “research,” which has thrown my mother into co-dependant mode. I am just as furious and completely disgusted at my mother’s and brother’s relationship dynamic. It is sickening to see.

Talking about all this with my cousin, I do see how my dad is acting out from his fury – for me: identified by the fact that my brother has not been welcomed back into their home this time – and I am making it personal. Still, my heart is broken (big time seriously, I am actually sobbing, but not crying) at the realization of who I had become, especially at the horizon of another layer being peeled away, when I am trying to change who I had become to the person I really am.

I am feeling like no one is there for me, not even my family. Here is another example: There are three recliners in the tv room: Mom, Dad, Guest. At first Mojo and I would go over to watch tv with them at time. Our visits became less frequent as I noticed the cup holder on the guest chair was always occupied with my father’s drink. Next – and I perfectly agree – Mojo was no longer welcome; indicated by no invitations to sit in dad’s lap anymore. Not a word has been said about Mojo, but I have stopped on my own, taking him over. I got the message loudly passively and aggressively.

I just don’t know what to do. My immediate plan: stay home…until dinner time. I hate to go over angry. My cousin says I should have accepted her invitation to breakfast this morning. When I though about it, she was right: had I gone to breakfast, I never would have had to cook this morning, prompting the question at all. I declined, claiming financial insecurity.

Moral of the Story: Say yes to the universe and universe will say yes to you!

Calling for housing assistance again.

Cynicism Regarding Go Fund Me Dollars for Las Vegas Shooting

I awoke this morning to news that an account that I swear had a goal of $100,000, had exceeded it’s continually revised goal and now was at nine million!

My first thought was who is going to administer that money? How do I know that all that money will go to its intended purpose. I really shouldn’t care because I donated zero, but the questions the news evoked are still swirling in my head.

Here is a list of the Go Fund Me accounts from searching Las Vegas:

Las Vegas Victim’s Fund $9,179,553
Love Army for Las Vegas $268,295
Rhonda le Rocque Las Vegas Shooting $47,498
Andrea Castilla – Las Vegas Victim $61,459
Mr. & Mrs. Bignami (Las Vegas) $48,859
Hanna Ahlers – Las Vegas Victim $49,861
Las Vegas Shooting Victim – Amanda $41,669
Las Vegas Victim, Officer Hartfield $55,532

My second thought is: Is it really that expensive to bury someone? Has the cost of living risen so high that successful – term used in comparison to my homelessness – can’t afford to bury their dead?

I was raised in an era where if shit happened, you picked up and started over again…on your own, with some help. Nowadays, I see people go directly to Go Fund Me to offset their familial, dutiful expenses. The fact that burial is so expensive and even practiced anymore is horrific in itself. I told my family to bury me under the illegal residence I maintain and leave it at that!

I do think the event was sad. I felt for those people at the time of discovery, but I am over it now and can’t wait for it to be none-news. I am tired of politicians fake well-wishes; if they really cared, they’s enact tougher gun regulation. I understand those affected will take more time, but as for me, I’ve moved on.

Las Vegas Go Fund Me Accounts

Las Vegas Go Fund Me Accounts

Massacre/Mass-Shooting Pool Worksheet

Truth Regarding Mass Shootings & Massacres

Like it or not, this is my response to the events unfolding in Las Vegas.

My Truth: As long as…

  • there is a 1%
  • humans are divided by race instead of united by species
  • military bombs the hell out of the planets surface
  • the outer space becomes littered with spacecraft
  • the American government continues to kills its constituents through lack of decent healthcare as a right
  • this world falls into disrepair

…we are going to need this more often.

Massacre/Mass-Shooting Pool Worksheet

Massacre/Mass-Shooting Pool Worksheet

Obesssion is essential to creativity




  1. the state of being obsessed with someone or something.
  2. an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person’s mind.

As I sit here at my desk, crocheting a onesie for my future grand nephew, I am realizing how fucking lonely I am: I am crocheting through my pain. My thoughts keep going back to companionship (sexual, intimate). My mind keeps telling me to make another personal ad, but then I start thinking of all the negative aspects about myself that will keep males from responding: HIV+, herpes, obesity, impotence, etc.

I also think: you have 500 mg of marijuana edible; drop that with two bananas and enjoy the day. Sounds good to me! I love altered states, especially marijuana states because it makes me mellow. However, it also makes me crave male companionship even more.

I realize that I am constantly focus on sex. When I meet people and I am attracted to them, I immediately wonder what he looks like naked, how good he would be, now nasty, how dominant, how submissive, how passionate, etc. Because of this, I don’t know how to relate; it might be a different story if I was pleasantly attractive to others, but we’ll never know, so let’s not go there.

I think about calling my only friend, my cousin, to see what she is doing since I know I have received my SSI deposit, but then my logical brain says to pay my bills first.

My Truth: I need to get back to my crochet; at least I am being productive. Might as well get high also; make a boring, eventless, routine day more pleasant. Besides, I already have laundry in the washing machine.

Searching for the feature image for this post, the one I chose made me feel better, despite lack of understanding. I am a creator and I suppose I can become obsessed with pattern testing, development, etc, but that is good; my sexual obsession is not and I do things that I am not comfortable with, but anything to achieve my end goal: intimate companionship.


Obesssion is essential to creativity

Obesssion is essential to creativity

BLM Looting Saint Louis

Saint Louis Black Man Shot by White Police. Police acquitted.

I don’t understand BLM et al’s purpose for protest. I could be wrong, but protest is usually a means to an end. What is the end plan for BLM et al? It is not clear to me.

Black Lives Matter’s Home Page

“Black Lives Matter is a unique contribution that goes beyond extrajudicial killings of Black people by police and vigilantes…It is a tactic to (re)build the Black liberation movement.

Unique contribution? The clearest purpose I read is “to (re)build the Black Liberation Movement. So what was the Black Liberation Movement? A Google search for returns Black Liberation Army. According to Wikipedia:

“…was an underground, black nationalist militant organization that operated in the United States from 1970 to 1981. Composed largely of former Black Panthers (BPP), the organization’s program was one of armed struggle against the United States Government, and its stated goal was to “take up arms for the liberation and self-determination of black people in the United States.”[1] The BLA carried out a series of bombings, killings of police officers and drug dealers, robberies (which participants termed “expropriations”), and prison breaks.[2]

Being a pacifist, I am not happy what this research has revealed. I believe as a higher species, we should be working this stuff out without “taking up arms.” I think protesting violence with violence is dim-witted and solves nothing. Additionally, as a Mexican, who’s Native American Indian ancestors were pillaged by “whites,” I possess enough brain cells to realize there is nothing I can do to change the past, so to go on about reparations and such, to me, is whiny.

About Black Lives Matter

A chapter-based national organization working for the validity of Black life. We are working to (re)build the Black liberation movement.

Their violent intent is obvious to me by “working to re(build) the Black Liberation Movement,” which define above was militant, armed struggle, and taking up of arms. If this is as close as they can come to a purpose, I certainly don’t support them. The last thing me need is another war. If BLM, et al really wanted “extrajudicial killings of Black people by police and vigilantes”it to end, they would stop committing crime, running from police due to fright, and getting caught. Do what the policeman says! You ran because you were scared? Scared of what? Scared of getting caught, you dumbass! By running, you are admitting guilt and only complicating things for yourself.

About Me

I don’t care what color you are. Color labels are not accurate and being a creative being, I find it insulting to the brilliant world of color and creativity. When was the last time you actually saw an actual “BLACK” or “WHITE” person – white being the background color of this post and black the color of this type.

I don’t like cops, finding them arrogant. Yet, during my multiple arrests, detainments, stops, I have never evaded arrest, and followed all police orders while under their authority despite lectures, castigations, judgment! Assholes!

What Does #BlackLivesMatter Mean?

When we say Black Lives Matter, we are broadening the conversation around state violence to include all of the ways in which Black people are intentionally left powerless at the hands of the state. We are talking about the ways in which Black lives are deprived of our basic human rights and dignity.

I just can’t buy into this. I need specific examples of “basic human rights and dignity deprivations.” I feel like that just because I am reliant on federal benefits. It’s my own fault I ended up here, but I am not out trying to “get over!” How is violent protest, combined with looting and vandalism broadening the conversation, morons? How is this helping your cause?

Black Lives Matter Guiding Principles

Black Lives Matter is an ideological and political intervention in a world where Black lives are systematically and intentionally targeted for demise. It is an affirmation of Black folks’ contributions to this society, our humanity, and our resilience in the face of deadly oppression.

They list Diversity, Restorative Justice, Unapologetically Black, Globalism, Transgender Affirming, Collective Value, Black Women, Empathy, Black Families, Black Villages, Queer Affirming, Intergenerational, Loving Engagement – all of which I have not seen during their televised protests.

Like Trump coined #FakeNews, I am claiming #FakeProtest. Ultimately, I can never make them understand because, as my cousin posted: “Your resistance to something does not stop it, nor prevent it from existing.”

1. “Terrorist Organization Profile – START – National Consortium for the Study of Terrorism and Responses to Terrorism”. Start.umd.edu. 1984-03-25. Retrieved 2016-04-13.

2. Cleaver, Kathleen; Katsiaficas, George (2014). Liberation, Imagination and the Black Panther Party: A New Look at the Black Panthers and Their Legacy. Routledge. p. 12. ISBN 9781135298326.

BLM Looting Saint Louis

FERGUSON, MO – AUGUST 16: People loot the Ferguson Market and Liquor store on August 16, 2014 in Ferguson, Missouri. Several businesses were looted as police held their position nearby. Violent outbreaks have taken place almost daily in Ferguson since the shooting of Michael Brown by a Ferguson police officer on August 9. (Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images)


Shame on you

The Velvet Rage: Overcoming Growing Up Gay in A Straight Man’s World

The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain of Growing Up Gay In A Striaght Man's World

courtesy goodreads.com

My AA sponsor suggested I read The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain Of Growing Up Gay in A Straight Man’s World, by Alan Downs, PhD while I was still able to go to AA meetings. I no longer go to meetings due to inability to get to the gay meetings, which are further away.

Anyway, I loved the book the minute I started reading because I could identify with everything this guy is writing and hope there is a cure for me hate of gays.

The Velvet Rage: Preface to the 2012 Edition, page ix

The author is reminiscing about good ol’ days, the men he has loved/lusted and the friends lost to AIDS through drugs/alcohol, remarking “I am alive,” as that is sufficient enough for him.

This is what I’ve wanted my whole life, yet it has escaped me my whole life also. Admittedly, I my default state is not one of gratitude…problem 1.

The Velvet Rage: Preface to the 2012 Edition, page x

I glance backward and feel the tide of life and memory rushing forward, I am torn between gratitude for what was given and longing for what was lost.

I tend to focus on longing for what was never had.

“we are uniquely identifiable in our ways—there is no mistaking gay culture when you see it.”

I interpret “gay culture” as West Hollywood, which is easily identifiable to me. However, without gaydar, I can’t tell another homosexual just by looking at one…unless he is a drag queen or obviously flamboyant, and even then I can be wrong. My ideal man is masculine, straight-appearing, making it doubly hard for me to identify an ideal mate.

The Velvet Rage: Preface to the 2012 Edition, page xi

“When you love a man, it fundamentally changes you-and we have all be shaped by our love of men; the heavy caress of his hand, the brush of the hair on his forearm, and the powerful kiss that at once dominates and deconstructs our defenses.. These things enliven our days an fuel our dreams.”

Wow! I have the added complication of taking that fuel and creating a conflagration because of my sex addition.

“It is the concept of shame, in fact, that has enlightened so many of their lives. Prior to reading the book, they felt they had long ago been done with the ravages of shame over their sexual orientation. Some actually have no memory of feeling shame over being gay-they marched out of the closet at a young age and never looked back. It is here, at this point, that a truly life-changing insight emerges. Most of us have not felt the emotion or shame for many years-since we first came to terms with being gay. For the majority of gay men who are out of the closet, shame is no longer felt. What was once a feeling  has become something deeper and more sinister in our psyches-it is a deeply and rigidly held belief in our own unworthiness for love.”


“We were taught by the experience of shame during those tender and formative years of adolescence that there was something about us that was flawed, in essence unlovable, and that we must go about the business of making ourselves lovable if we were to survive.

The only people in my mind that taught me the experience of shame were school children who made fun of me for being fat and gay, when I didn’t even know what gay was, nor realized that was what I was. Well, they succeeded, because at 54+ I don’t believe I am lovable; only difference today is that I have given up ever being loved [the way I want to be loved.]

“We were hungry for love, and our very existence depended upon it…Whether life is worth living depends on whether there is love in life…The lesson of the early, crippling shame was imprinted on our lives. If you are to be loved, you must hide the truth about yourself and work at being lovable.”

 Guilty! Feeling unfulfilled, I chose drugs, knowing that I could make people laugh, equating laughter with love, confusing love with lust, and never ending up with anyone, provoking hate from within towards all. 

The Velvet Rage: Preface to the 2012 Edition, page xi

“Very few of us feel the shame, but almost all of us struggle with the private belief that “if you really knew the whole , unvarnished truth about me, you would know that I am unloveable. It is this belief that pushes us, even dominates us with its tyranny of existential anger. In our own way, young and old alike, we set about the business of “earning” love, and escaping the pain of believing we are unlovable. It is this damned quest that pushes us to the highest of highs, and simultaneously brings u to the brink. This is both the creator of the fabulous gay man and his destroyer

Me destroyed. When I have received attention from another man, I am walking on clouds; the minute it’s gone, you’d think I had been deflated.

“Gay shame is not embarrassment over being gay; is the belief that being gay is a mere symptom of your own mortally flawed psyche. You can treat the homophobic symptom, but the underlying disease persists until acknowledged and treated.”

Huh? Maybe my psychologist can explain this to me. I have been wanting to address my gay shame/hate with him. What is my homophobic symptom and underlying disease?

The Velvet Rage: Preface to the 2012 Edition, page xv

“…the lives of nearly all destructive perpetrators are intertwined with, and in many cases motivated by , rageful reactions to personal shame. The devastating effects of shame are ubiquitous, and the message of self-acceptance is universally craved by a world that has i large part been taught that you aren’t young, thin, holy, rich, or successful enough.”


The Velvet Rage: Preface to the 2012 Edition, page xvi

“…shame blocks people everywhere from experiencing the joy and contentment that lays just beyond those dark walls that imprison the human spirit.”

I believe this.

“While understanding the origins of shame-based wounds is important, this alone is not sufficient to bring needed change into our lives. Change comes by choice and practice, not from insight about our past.”

I concur.

Venice Family Clinic

Doctor Despina Kayichian

She is my kidney specialist at Venice Family Clinic. I had an 08:00 appointment today. I was there on time. I checked in . I had my vitals taken. I was placed in an examination room, where I continued to crochet on Please, Mr. Postman Blanket.

When I stood up to take a break from sitting for so long, I checked my phone and discovered it was 08:46!

On my way out, I stopped at my case worker’s desk to explain that I am tired of being treated like a specimen, that I was taking back control of my health care. As such, I will not tolerate unprofessionalism; lack of common decency, courtesy; disrespect. I will continue to go from doctor to doctor until I find one that provides the kind of care I desire.

A counselor with huge ears, butted in. I asked “Who are you?” She expressed a desire to speak with me – convert me! I wasn’t having it, repeated my reasons, and left.

As mother and I drove away, my phone rang and it was Venice Family Clinic. I answered and it turned out to be Dr. Kayichian. I related to her my thinking from last might that I am viewing our relationship, as such: A relationship! From that perspective, I am breaking up with her, pointing out that she would hardly tolerate the behavior she has been showing me.