Regina

“I can’t keep living like this!”

Quote What Snow did to me; what she took from me. It’s eating me alive. Her very existence mocks me. She must be punished.”

Once Upon A Time
Season 1, Episode 2: The Thing You Love Most

I can so identify with the Evil Queen (Lana Parrilla). June has been relegated as Gay Pride Month. I am gay, but I am not proud. If anything, My feelings towards other gays are equal to the Evil Queen’s feelings towards Snow.

Rationally, I admit my lack of good choices and accountability in life corroded my self respect. All I ever wanted in life was a companion to share my life with. Growing up gay; knowing I was different, but now how; and the constant bullying I experienced from others with more sharpened intuition made keeping my secret unbearable.

“What they did to me; what they took from me; it’s eating me alive!”

When I learned I was gay and that there were others I celebrated…right into addiction, irrationality and the whole time I was still hoping, seeking and desiring a companion. Of course my perceptions of what love would be got warped and twisted. My journey into loneliness was only compounded by the fact that being overweight my whole life, I was not the ideal “West Hollywood,” “South Beach” skinny, muscular homo.

“Their very existence mocks me!”

As such, I did not find much to be gay or proud about and continue to mull these dire thoughts.

“I can’t keep living like this!”

I have given up in life. My health has deteriorated over two years and now I am plagued with elder complications. I have no ambition, no friends, and probably insufficient energy for any activities. I just wait to die now and in the meantime, I enjoy the company of my dog, Mojo, with whom I have a pact that we must die at the same time.

God is great…

…if you believe.

And if you believe in a God, as you understood Him, it’s even bettah!

I noticed Mojo was having a seizure. I went to grab the towel for sensory deprivation therapy (SDT). His seizure was long and drawn out, but mild. We were watching American Ninja Warrior and I was thinking that these guys deserve their adoration for such a personal victory and such wonderfully hot bodies.

Next thing I notice was that Mojo had calmed. I put him down, but I was wrong. I picked him up again, SDT, and added singing. The all of a sudden I got sad and started asking God for a miracle cure in the name of Mojo, because I did not want to lose my connection with a God, as I understand him.

WAIT! Did I just say that? I had been questioning my faith recently.

I always talk to Mojo, my dog, who does not understand English, every day he has been with me. We are both diseased: predetermination. Doh! I do have faith!

The next thing I noticed…Mojo’s seizure had ended.

Glory be and hallelujers!

Praise God!

Testify!

“Sister Emmy Lou done gone t’ shoutin’ an’ jumpin’ cause she feels the spirit…”

~ Down South Camp Meeting
The Manhattan Transfer